“Nerozz” a konkani term which in English literally means ‘ Nervous’……And happens to be a striking characteristic feature of me.
As far as my memory can take me back, I remember myself to be a nervous child. I used to feel nervous infront of strangers, teachers at school, new classmates…… Practically any new situation.
As I grew up, I never grew out of the nervousness syndrome. I remember myself being nerozz so often…I remember that pulpitation in the heart, the stiffness in the chest, the shallow breathing…..And then a sudden loss in senses. As a child I used to sometimes feel that I would pass away with a heart attack. Now as an experienced adult I know that the stupid heart won’t give up easily 😘.
There is not much that has changed after years. I still do get nervous in a new situation …..I guess there is one difference tough, I have learnt to accept my weakness and still go on shamelessly.
The other day I decided to speak a few words on the retirement ceremony of one of our senior staff whom I was very close too. As usual I knew I would be nervous but than I would never get another chance to express my gratitude to him so I decided to go for it. Despite all the odds.
To begin with I walked up infront of the small crowd assembled for the function. I was already telling myself “relax jolta, it’s fine, chill”. But I could already feel that slight tremble in the body. Although I was not making eye contact with anybody, I was conscious about the fact that everybody’s focus was on me.
I had some points in mind that I wanted to speak on. I started with the first and my speech seemed to be flowing…..But after a while……Beep beep …..Blank out. “No no!!! not now jolta” I kept telling myself…..At the same time i was trying my best to hide all external expressions of what was happening inside. OK I managed to reach my second point……Now this one was from the heart. I tried to summarize many other issues which were haunting my mind for a long time. So in bargain I became emotional, and hit the ceiling…..Beep beep beep _________________ blank. What was supposed to be the next point?????. Beep beep …….unable to retrieve. Alarm goes out !!!! Mission abort! Mission abort!
After a long pause….I directly jumped to the end of my speech. I thanked my colleague for all his support and wished him good luck. Abrupt ending no doubt but , aaaaahhh…..what a Relief!!!!!
How i felt? Well I was upset that I forgot some important things I wanted to speak. But I was still happy that I took courage and spoke out.
Over the years I have realised that one reason I get nervous is because I feel what I speak will not make sense to others…..Afterall I don’t only think out of the box, I think out of the world 😁. So that makes me feel that people are gonna laugh.
But then I have also realized that sometimes you have to speak out….. Irrespective of whether it makes sense to the others or not. Maybe it might make sense to atleast one person. If it does my purpose is acheived. And if it doesn’t? …..It’s still acheived.
And when it’s really from the heart …..Then speak , say it , shout it, even if youre gonna get a heart attack 😁….. Because life sometimes doesn’t give a second chance.
People complimented me for the same speech …..But I am my best critic and I know I didn’t speak well…….But I know I spoke from the heart. So on that note ……I’ll give jolta 2 🌟 out of 5….For the disastrous yet heart warming speech. If you happened to be in the audience then please do rate me. And please be frank…..Because jolta knows where she stands.
She definitely won’t get NEROZZ 😨 accepting a frank feedback.
Thanks for reading through….I know it’s a long one again!